I've had enough of lids. Some time ago I found one on a bench. Really nice lid but I thought: "Lid, lid - but handsome!" - And I took it. It covered me up, of course. "Do not go there!" "Do not talk like this!" "Do not say that!" "Don't do that!" "Don't hurry!" "Do not make phone calls the people up that late!" "Don't drink that much!" "Don't smoke that much!" "Don't laugh thus loud!" "Don't say everything you think!" "So... be quieter, please!" Finally he chucked me up on top of everything. I suffered. I am always suffering when they chuck me up. Even if they are Lids. I Just dont like to see myself quit. No one likes it. I dont like to use the phone around the clock the way my parents use it sometimes to ask me how I am. So it starts again... I moved out to my unreal world. I started to date my imaginary ex-boyfriend and now everything is OK. But I won't get out of the house. I walk around dressed in pajamas listening to Blur. When I am in the classroom I put on my mp3 and Blur again. After that I go home and Blur. But when I get out having some fun - it's all lids and balloons (the males in general are that) and I daydream again. I want to find the kite-man in reality but it has been horned in on me that it is impossible. I want to hold onto him (not he to me) and to fly off. To bring me up over the roofs and to hook up to an antenna, some of the old fashion ones. Anywhere in Scotland - I haven't been there, but I think the roofs there are beautiful. To sit for a while and then again fffffff in another direction. Then when the wind sinks to float along the land I want to lie on it. Silently with no words, no thoughts, no fear, no significant looks, no sex, no physique, with no us. Just on the land to the next whiff. He has no body... At one time I had imagined him with a great body (like the bodies I had seen on TV) but it turned out to be unrealistic, because once I got acquainted with a body like that, even we had a beer together... Horror! A huge disappointment... Thereafter I don't involve any bodies. Anyway the kite-man has no face, but he has a look, smile and voice. He has no body but he makes the hottest sex in the world. He has nothing but only me. When I told up one man about it he said I was crazy (permanently he had made me a note that I can't separate the fantasy from the reality). He is wrong. THE WORLD OF THE FANTASY: It is as big as you create it. Sometimes it is so quiet; sometimes you hear only the noises of the falling autumn leaves. Sometimes it is too noisy. You could make it whatever you want. The people you need; the articles you miss; the career you want to have but don't; the love which gives meaning to your life; the happiness you are looking for so desperately but never find it... Seasons - no. The windows are green and there are only small circles left in the middle of them which you can watch the outside through. There are a lot of autumn leaves, flowers, birds, snow, sea, mountains, houses, butterflies, and a poppy outside. It smells sweet like a grandma's kitchen before a holiday. THE WORLD OF THE REALITY. Everything... It is sinisterly quiet when you are most lonely and need somebody next to you. Noisy when you want to be alone. There are a lot of people. People who are always afraid of something; people who never take a look at you; people who want something of you (but you don't have it); people who never laugh; people who jeer at you; gray people There is one subtle detail - Money! Something ugly we are always after but never have enough of. There is also alcohol, drugs, off-hand sex. They are something like grandma's kitchen - terribly attractive but after time they become terrible only. I don't have anything to say about the seasons - sometime later maybe. Through the windows buildings and pubs can be seen; buses packed with poor students (right next to the new S classes and poor girl students there); gray sky, mud; dirt; expensive shops; garbage; policemen; barby-girls; leads; balloons and one poppy... I can find differences between these two worlds and for sure I am living in the second one (the fuckin' reality). So look at me through the window; through the buildings, the students and the mud - I am caught onto an imaginary kite and flutter from antenna to antenna Am I crazy?